The Back Story

At 34 one would think that I would be a grown up.  If someone knows what that is please fill me in so that I may figure it out.  Because, if I am completely honest, I have no idea.  I have a degree and a job.  I own my own home.  I am not married but I do have a live in boyfriend.  I don't have any children but my boyfriend does.  So is this grown up?  How about the fact that I believe I am still in love with my college boyfriend?  What type of person does that make me?  Does that make me a monster?  Sometimes I feel like I am.  My ex, is who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have children with.  I was young and hadn't found myself but wanted my life to be with him.  I ruined it.  I'm not so stupid to believe that he didn't play a part in it.  He did, but I can recognize now what part I played.  I "needed" him.  I was very dependent on him and the life that I wanted with him.  I hadn't yet figured out how to be my own person, like really on my own.  It's amazing what over ten years can teach you. And bring to light.  I enjoy my own company and the time that I get to be alone.